Searching for home.

There have been ages since i last wrote here. The last time was when i still was in Madrid, living happily with my couple of roomies. Since then, some things have changed.
I changed my flatmates, during the summer, and somehow it has been a little traumatic experience. To have more than 4 people living in a flat that is still small for three, during one whole month can be hard, moreover if you're the only one working in it.

But anyway. I still had time to travel a bit. I went to Switzerland(Geneve), with one of my flatmates and his beautiful girlfriend. Nice country, nice city. I found it a bit simillar to my hometown, but with even less nightlife.

After that i went to Poland, to Wroclaw, not Warsaw, to visit my sister, who was making her erasmus there, and who will make her two years master there. We algo went to Prague, to visit what is called the most beautiful city in Europe. I must confess i think there's a lot of marketing in that quote. Of course, Prague is really amazing... but it would be hard for me to say that is the most beautiful. What i can say is that is the one with more tourists. I still haven't been in Rome... but i'm wondering if the amount of tourists is simillar to Prague.


After visiting Poland i realized how much i missed Lithuania and my friends there. So i planned a trip to Kaunas and Klaipeda to visit old friends, and remember nice memories. Jesús came with me in this trip(and i am still waiting for him to pass me the pictures). Tnis was a different trip from the others.

I remember when our plane was flying, i told Jesús i was going back to my second home. He told me, "well... third one". And i had to answer him that i would consider the Basque Country as my first home... but i still can't consider Madrid as my second home. For now, Madrid has been just a phase. I don't know if it will become a home for me... but for now it isn't. So, yes, i considered Lithuania as my second home.

And i speak in past, cause after the trip my mind changed a little bit. What i found in Lithuania was what i expected. Super nice people, cheap country, true christianity, hospitality,... But it was also something else. Or maybe... it was that something else that i missed. I still don't know what it was exactly, or maybe yes. But things were different. Of course Jesús came back completely amazed by the country and people there. But somehow, i think as i already knew all the things that usually amaze firstcomers, i was expecting something else of my visit. Or at least what i already had in my first stage there. I really don't know. Sometimes i think, "aha, this is what has changed, this is what i missed this time". Other times, i don't really know why somehow i was a little bit deceived by my visit,... i can't say what i was expecting from it, butfor sure was something else, or something different.


So after my comeback to Madrid, my conversation with Jesús came back to my mind. I still can't consider Madrid as my home. And somehow i couldn't consider Lithuania as my home either, (maybe that was what i expected? a home where it wasn't?). So during this year i have visited four different countries, and somehow i still feel as if i haven't found my place in this world.

I remember speaking with Jurgita about my travelling dreams... maybe i am willing to travel, just because i am willing to find a place to be,... and i need to search for it. I was also thinking that probably i will never find my 100% home in this life, that would match my beliefs... so i should not be so frustrated, but sometimes i am too human, and i am.

I still don't know where i will search my home next year. There's a possibility to comeback to Lithuania, with a different purpose this time. And also i'm thinking of finally getting out of Europe and go to the States. And i would love to go to Asia next Summer(i think that has been my "dream" for the last three summers). But, i don't know.

Next weekend i'm moving, still in Madrid, but a different flat, and different flatmates. I must confess i am very excited about this. The flat is brand new, huge, we have enough space to host a lot of people, is not so far away from church, and although geographically is further from my job, by underground is closer. I think i will get on very well with my flatmates(or we will kill each other in a couple of months). We all work and in the same sector(IT), and i think i will be able to learn a couple of things from them.

Of course, you're all invited.

I love you

A good friend sent me a comic book drawn by one of his friends. I haven't finished reading it, but till now the most impacting drawing has been this:




The translation goes moreless like this:

"I love you"
"Like the adults do?"
"No, truly."

This last two years i have heard a lot of adults speaking about love... and that drawing nearly broke my heart... sad but true.

Average relationships vs. Punctual Gifts

Nearly two months since i moved to Madrid and i think i have to break my silence. Not to talk about Madrid and why i moved... just to write about thoughs that have come to my mind during this two months, and that in the last week have taken shape.

One good thing about Madrid, at least, is that here i have much more friends and relationships than in my hometown. That gives me the possibility to somehow experience and analize more people and situations that take place with them. Of course, sharing a flat helps. It's never easy... and probably sometimes it's really hard. At the same time, while analizing other people, sometimes i discover new things about myself. Some are good things... some are not so good... and most of the time... it's just what it is, not bad, nor good, just reality.

This last week i have been thinking about gifts, especial presents that people that loves you gives to you to show they do. Although i like presentes, i have never been able to appreciate them too much. I mean... to show the people that i appreciated it. You can give me a book that i have been looking for for two years... and i will only be able to say "thank you". Most of the people would start jumping, clapping hands, shouting their happiness,... i just said thank you and felt really bad for it. Tried to explain that i was really happy for that gift... and again, felt really bad for not being able to appreciate that present in a way that my friend could understand how grateful i was.

But reality is that althoug i can be thankful, and that i like gifts, i don't appreciate them much. At least i don't appreciate them as much as most of the people do. That has been something that i have known for a long time. Is all about the laguajes of love and all that stuff, my languaje is not gifts, bla, bla, bla... no problem. But this last week i have realiced, that it was not just that.

I have noticed that if i don't appreciate gifts it's because most of the people that give them to me, don't have an average good way of treating me. I think it's difficult to speak myself... What i mean is that i appreciate more if someone cooks for me 10 days in a month a normal meal, rather than if someone makes a huge supertasty dinner just once. I appreciate more someone that takes interest for me every week, rather than a puctual superdeep conversation once a year. Of course, with people that lives far away that's difficult. But now i am speaking about people in Madrid, about the people close to me.

Some like to show me their love for me with one punctual thing, really good thing, from time to time. Others like, maybe not to be so... excellent, but take the work of doing it many times. I have understood that i appreciate this last much more. I think that maybe is because i think i would like to be an all day everyday friend, not a once a month one... And probably with some people we are... with some others we can't, i don't know.

Just words.

Charles Barkley

Probablemente la mayor boca de la NBA, y el tio además era bueno.

La altura está sobrevalorada: he jugado con muchos paquetes muy altos.”

“Creo que mi peso ideal es el peso en el que esté cuando estoy en la pista.”

“No me suicidaría. Soy una de mis personas favoritas.”

“Mientras Bird esté en la liga, seré el segundo peor defensor del baloncesto.”

“Pensaba que Bill Laimbeer es el tipo más despreciable y desagradable de todo el baloncesto… pero por otro lado, siempre lo respeté como jugador.”

Tras remontar un partido en el que llegaron a perder de veinte puntos: “Éste es un partido que, si lo pierdes, te vas a casa y le pegas a tu mujer y a tus hijos.”

Como contestación ante la gran cantidad de demandas interpuestas por asociaciones feministas tras esa última declaración: “Me meo en esas mujeres.”

“Iba a donar la cantidad de mis multas a los sin hogar: pero es que al final de la temporada iban a tener mejores casas que yo.”

Tras la victoria de Brent Barry en el concurso de mates del 94, fue el primero en sacar conclusiones: “Un blanco ganando el concurso de mates, la NBA está en decadencia. Necesitamos otra marcha del Millón de Hombres”.

“Soy la mejor persona que conozco.”

A Oliver Miller, compañero de equipo en los Suns con continuos problemas de sobrepeso: “¡Ni siquiera puedes saltar lo suficiente para tocar el aro a no ser que te pongan un Big mac en lo alto!”

Sobre su contratación por los Rockets: “Me acuerdo sentarme con los Rockets y decirles: “Sí, me voy a retirar”. Ellos dijeron: “Bueno, te daremos nueve millones de dólares”, a lo que respondí: “¿Tenéis un bolígrafo encima?”

“Hey, Stanley, serías un gran jugador si fueses capaz de decir dos palabras: estoy lleno.” (Hablando con el peso pesado Stanley Roberts).

Al retirarse: “Esto es justo lo que América necesita: otro negro sin trabajo.”

Sobre el contrato de Kevin Garnett: “Es un montón de pasta. Y lo está ganando un negro. Qué gran país es éste. Imagínate si supiese jugar.”

A Kenny Smith, compañero comentarista y ex-jugador: “Me gusta que los Celtics sean competitivos, porque era muy divertido ir al Boston Garden: te escupían, te tiraban cosas y hablaban de tu madre. Como si estuviese cenando en casa de Kenny.”

“La iba a denunciar por difamación de personalidad. Pero entonces me di cuenta de que no tengo personalidad.” (Sobre Tonya Harding, ex patinadora)

“¡Me encanta Nueva York: tengo una pistola!”

“Mi familia me criticó cuando dije que Bush sólo se preocupa de los ricos. Así que les recordé: “Eh, ¡que soy rico!””

“Si no ganara más de tres millones de dólares jugando al baloncesto, la gente correría en dirección contraria si me viese por la calle.”

Justo antes de su famosa carrera contra el árbitro Dick Bavetta: "No tengo nada contra la gente mayor; algún día quiero ser uno de ellos.”

Ernie Jonson, comentarista de la TNT: “¿Cuál es el problema de los Knicks en este momento?”Charles: “Que no son buenos.”

EJ: “Auburn es una muy buena universidad. Supongo que para graduarte allí realmente tuviste que trabajar muy duro y esforzarte al máximo… Charles: “20 puntos y 10 rebotes también te ayudan, no creas…”

EJ: “¿Te reconocieron en Dakota del Sur?” Charles: “Sí. Fue fácil porque yo era la única persona negra allí. Cuando me veían caminar por la calle decían: “Aquí viene otra vez”. Y cuando volví al año siguiente gritaban alucinados: “¡Ha vuelto, yujuuu!””

“Esta es mi agenda; Me levanto por la mañana, decido donde voy a ir a jugar al golf, y bebo cerveza todo el día.”

“He sido rico y he sido pobre. Ser rico es mejor.”

Sobre cómo Jerry Krause fue capaz de mantener su trabajo como General Manager de los Chicago Bulls: “Jerry debe tener fotos de la esposa de su jefe montándoselo con un mono”.

“Tengo una pregunta: ¿Alguna vez has visto a Gollum y Sam Cassell juntos en el mismo sitio?”

“Al Gore es un perdedor. Pero tan sólo es el segundo mayor perdedor de Washington. Los Wizards son los mayores perdedores en Washington.”

Antes de enfrentarse a Cuba en los Juegos Olímpicos de Barcelona ´92: ¿Qué que sé sobre Cuba? Pues que el país lo gobierna un andrajoso que fuma puros… eso es todo lo que sé.”

Sobre cómo Michael Jordan debía afrontar los agobios de la fama: “Contrata guardaespaldas. O haz como yo; golpea a unas cuantas personas y dales 10000$.”

“En mi ropa interior no viene la talla. Simplemente hay una etiqueta que dice: ENORME.”

Al ex-jugador y compañero comentarista Reggie Miller: “Reggie era el extra de Brokeback Mountain.”

“¿Tengo un problema con el juego? Sí, tengo un problema con el juego. Pero realmente no es un problema... porque yo me lo puedo permitir.”

Charles: “¿Sabes cuál va a ser un equipo interesante este año? Los Utah Jazz.”KS: “¿Interesante desde un punto de vista positivo o desde uno negativo? Charles: “Todavía no lo sé.”

Durante las finales de la NBA, Ernie Jonhson señala a un cartel en el que se lee: “Barkley = Tonto, Van Gundy = Más tonto.” Charles: “Hey, al menos ese tío sabe quien soy. Yo no tengo ni idea de quien coño es él.”

"El sexo y el golf son las únicas cosas en las que aun siendo malo en ello, puedes pasar un rato agradable.”

"Sabes que todo se ha ido a la mierda cuando el mejor rapero es blanco y el mejor golfista negro.”

Kenny Smith: “Se puede ver que Voshon Lenard ha estado un tiempo lesionado porque ha ganado un poco de peso.” Charles: “¿Un poco de peso? ¿Le llamas a eso un poco de peso? Eso es como decir que lo del Titanic fue un pequeño accidente marítimo. Vamos hombre, si creo que usa la misma talla de calzoncillos que yo.”

Se supone que debemos parar de comer cuando él lo haga? ¿Y qué ocurre si seguimos teniendo hambre? Joder, puede que el haya picoteado algo antes de venir a comer.” (Sobre las normas de protocolo antes de comer con Rainiero en el Palacio Real de Montecarlo.)

“Pese a ser un rookie Christian Laettner va a ser el hombre más fuerte de la NBA la próxima temporada. Se está pasando el verano llevando las maletas de 12 tíos.” (Laettner era el único jugador universitario del Dream Team del 92).

Imagination and filling equations

This last two weeks i have been wondering about how complicated can relationships be. Moreover when our own imagination comes into the equation. I mean, relationships are never easy. I understand very well the affirmation a famous philosopher did, (can't remember is he was Freud or Froyd), "hell are the others". And somehow he had part of reason.

Relationships are difficult, we have somehow to die to ourselfes, and try to understand the others. Give ourselfes to them, understand them, and fight against our own selfish desires to try to make their life a little bit better. I think this is part of what christians preach when we say that we have to "kill our flesh". But we are humans, and to fight against our instinct is really difficult. Still, despite this "animal" instinct, the property of being human also gives us the chance to choose. And that option becomes much easier when you choose to give yourself to someone that has also given itself to you.

What i mean is that when you have a friend that has proved you how much he loves you, is much easier to love him back. Is part of our human trader mind. Give something in exchange for something... love for love.

And somehow, most of the times this is what we expect of a relationship. To take back as much as we are giving. And when we receive more, we naturally try to give back... is all about filling the equation. I suppose that like the ancient scientists we are afraid of emptiness.

So, till now the situation was complicated but we could afford it. It's very mathemathical, just an equation and we have to continually balance it, not as difficult as we supposed. But, sometimes, in some cases everytime, imagination plays with our well balanced equation. And then, things get really complicated... and the only ones to blame are ourselfes.

What i mean... is that a lot of times our mind plays tricks on us. Makes us think that that person who we love so much feels the same about us(and i am not talking about romantic relationships). Once reality hits you in your face, and you realize that when you though you had a friend in someone and you just had a "known"... it feels bad. You feel fooled. You feel stupid. You want to go to that person and tell him how much he has deceived you. How much he has hurt you. But the real thing, is you're the only one to blame. Probably he did not do anything to make you think he considered you a friend... but you did, and your imagination made you think he felt the same about you. And now the equation is unbalanced and you feel bad about that person, but you know he has no fault. So what now???

Festivals

This summer i went to a couple of festivals. The well known Jazzaldia and the Festival Gospel Castellón. Both were quite good, although i believe last's years Jazzaldia was better... more jazzy than this one, wich most of the music was good... but i would not call it jazz.

Anyway, one band in each festival impacted me. In the jazz one an italian duo called musica nuda, (check the videos, much better than the tracks). It was an strange duo, a girl singing and a double bass player. Just that, so at first sight it may look a little bit boring. But they were italians... and this race has some kind of charm, ideal for the stage. The concert was really funny, and both musicians were awesome.

In the Gospel the band that i liked most was Sarah Kelly's, really good american rock. If you like Alanis, Sheryl, and so on... this sounds better, at least live. And her testimony is... well... impacting.